“My people have committed two evils: they have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, and hewn themselves cisterns – broken cisterns that can hold no water” (Jeremiah 2:13 NKJV).
My cisterns. The places where I have tried to do it myself. I’ve even made it look pretty good. But my self-constructed cisterns are broken, and they hold no water. Don’t be fooled, no matter how good it looks, I’m dehydrated.
There’s the broken cistern of my finances. I think this is the most obviously broken, and I sometimes discuss it, but almost always in the context of, “Oh, I’ve got this.” It’s broken because I keep trying to control things I have no control over (job/career), and exercise no control over things well within my grasp (where I put my money). It’s broken because I’m trying to manage it on my own, and I can’t.
There’s the broken cistern of my body. I hadn’t talked about this to anybody until yesterday; in fact, I’ve deliberately mislead people about it. I’ve been telling myself, “Just 20 more pounds, then I’ll stop.” God punched me in the gut yesterday morning that I was already not able to stop, and brought me into accountability about my unhealthy eating habits. It’s broken because I am worried about what people think of my body and my eating habits. It’s broken because I have an awful tendency to take shortcuts, rather than working through something productively (eating healthy and exercising). It’s broken because I try to manage it on my own, and I can’t.
There’s the broken cistern of my relationships. This one could be obvious to everyone or no one, but I’ve personally been in denial about it. I want people to like me, I want them to want to be around me, I want them to know I am a good investment of their time, energy, and affection. (Even though I really feel like I’m not with all of my mess). So I try to be this positive, pulled together person to be more attractive to other people. Inevitably, my mess starts to creep up at some point, usually somebody does or says something that rubs me the wrong way on a day when I just have a little too much on my plate, and I react. My reactions cause me to withdraw. I have come to automatically expect that the real Lydia, who has feelings that can get hurt, and who acts out of that hurt from time to time, will be rejected. I withdraw to not deal with the pain of rejection, because it is painful. And with the exception of a few notable friends, I have some really shallow relationships. This cistern is broken because I am afraid of what people will do (or not do) when they see the reality of who I am. It’s broken because I try to manage it on my own, and I can’t.
The theme? I don’t have this. I act like I do sometimes, to my very great detriment.
You guys, I’m still a sinner, I’m still an awful mess, and I still need God. Thankfully, He sees the girl in way over her head, the fatty, and the insecure one and He isn’t done with her yet.
Thank you so much for your prayerful and loving support. It means the world to me and gives me courage to show the real me, even when it’s ugly.