After tomorrow, I begin a new chapter in life. I’m excited.
Mostly because this chapter, the chapter I’m currently in, has challenged me past breaking point. Beyond devastation. Below the lowest lows.
I really didn’t think I was going to make it out.
And I guess I didn’t. The me that went into this chapter is not the one leaving.
I don’t mind that.
What scares me to no end is how close I came to giving up.
Not on life.
Not on the existence of God.
On the existence of a good and faithful and true God.
In the beginning, I gave Him my heart. My heart of hearts. Deepest desires, dreams, wishes. And, one by one, they died.
Do you know what it is to see your desires, dreams, and wishes crucified? I do. I was angry.
Then my heart withered.
And I felt nothing.
I didn’t want to speak to God. I had nothing to say to Him. It was He who was to guard my heart, and He pillaged and plundered it.
The funny thing (I suppose) was that He kept saying to my heart, “Won’t you let me in?” I scoffed. “You? Let YOU in?”
Then one morning I was at a road of indecision. I wanted to do one thing, but felt like I couldn’t do it, because I thought God didn’t want me to.
Don’t You see, God? Don’t You see all of the things You asked me to give up?
I never asked you to give that up.
And He hadn’t.
That was when my heart reawakened.
The desires, dreams, wishes blossomed.
They are coming to fruition in this upcoming chapter.
I know. Don’t ask me how I know. I just do.
“This means that all of creation will be shaken and removed, so that only unshakable things will remain” (Hebrews 12:27 NLT).
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12 NLT).