From my journal.
May 11, 2012
Whit has an adventurous spirit, a tireless spirit, a go-and-be spirit. I told her as we sat on the Chickory front porch that I knew I was where God wanted me and doing what He wanted me to be doing – which meant staying, although not being stagnant. Her response was: “I suppose I still live in la-la land because I think God has something big He wants me to do.” Normally, I might have been offended by this, but I was really struck by her faith and told her so. Not that what I’m doing here isn’t big – it’s HUGE! But it got me thinking because a year ago, I felt ready to go to Seattle. I was (and still am) certain my ministry will someday be there. Staying was a bigger faith leap for me. I am beginning to realize: I am in training.
While we were doing dishes, Whit challenged me to pray specific prayers. She said every detail of the Chickory was prayed over. I don’t know how or why, but since N and S, I’ve gotten into this habit of praying generally. I don’t know, I guess I felt like that would be more in line with God’s will. And I shared with Whit that it wasn’t that I didn’t believe God could answer specific prayers, I just wasn’t sure He would. In response, Whit says, full of faith, “He will!” No doubt in that girl’s mind.
On our way to Chinese Fast Food, we talked about finances. Apparently, we are both bad at managing our finances, but Whit says she has realized money is always going to be a problem. I personally find that depressing, but Whit has accepted it and now it doesn’t bother her.
The big break-throughs came in a space of about fifteen minutes. Whit asked what I had been doing for fun these days. And I realized. I don’t have fun. FortyOne20 Ministries is intended to be a source of joy, but since its launch it hasn’t necessarily been that way. I’m too tired, too overwhelmed for fun. I think I reasonably put a lot of that on my job.
Whit asked if I like to be in control. Haha, yes, I think that is safe to say. As I told her, my problem is that I cannot control who gives me a job, but I certainly try anyhow. I try to bargain with/threaten God, which naturally causes major issues in my relationship with Him. I am fed up.
And so Whit (dear, sweet, lovely Whit!) says, “I feel like you’re about to give up unless something gives” (True statement) “but I feel like something is about to change. It’s coming.” Then she proceeds to pray for God to shake up my life (uh?) and grow me (again, uh?). I am grateful for her doing that, because I don’t have the courage to pray these things for myself.
Today, the phrase, “See, I am doing a new thing” came to my heart. Whether it’s something Meredith or Whitney said yesterday or something I remembered from reading years ago and the Holy Spirit called it to mind, I don’t know. But I Googled it and…
“Forget the former things and do not dwell on things of old. See, I will do a new thing, even now it springs forth. Can’t you see it? I will make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert” (Isaiah 43:18-19).
As most of you know, even then on that spiritually, emotionally dark day in May 2012, God was working. He did shake my world up and grow me. Some of that was painful, some of it has been pretty pleasant.
I love how HE works!