Soul-Searching Saturdays

Keep asking until you understand why you feel this way.

Fight to know the answer.

I’ve been discouraged the past ten days or so.  I’ve been sad and irritable.  I know what the surface issue is, and it would have been comfortable for me to accept the surface issue, because I don’t control it.  I wanted to just slap a Band-Aid on it, and blame it on the surface issue.

It’s easier that way.

But the problem is not that surface issue, but what lies deeper.  In my heart.

This hunger, this thirst to be challenged.  This hunger, this thirst to be held accountable.

Believe it or not, it goes even deeper.

Why is it not enough for God alone to challenge me? Why can I not keep myself accountable before Him alone? Why do I need the human version of these things?

I’m still thinking of God too abstractly.  His challenging me and holding me accountable is not something I think about as a reality.  People are (in this area) more real to me than God is.

Please don’t take this to mean that I don’t want to be or don’t think I need to be challenged or accountable; I think it’s a vital part of being in the body of Christ.  But I should have enough self-discipline to make a commitment privately and before God, and stick to that commitment without anyone else knowing about it.

I guess like so many other things in this life, it’s a balancing act.

Just some notes from my Saturday Soul Search.


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