My Big Fat Pride Problem

I’d like for you (my adoring public, haha) to think I have everything together.  I mean, sure, I don’t have a career and I’m not financially independent, but I just finished my first book, and I’m headed for great things.  (Or maybe great things are headed for me.  It’s really hard to say).  I’d like for you to think I’m positive, emotionally strong, and self-sufficient, as in, I don’t really need your help.  When you’re with me you can depend on me to not ask anything too difficult from you or take up too much of your time.  I’d like for you to think I’ve conquered my BIG issues and just take on the little issues as they crop up.

But I can’t let you think that.  It wouldn’t be honest.

So I’m here to tell you today that God has been convicting my heart about self-reliance today, the hidden belief I can get through this journey called life alone; no, that I MUST get through it alone.  Ephesians 5:11 says, “Have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them.”  A lot of times, people use this verse to justify exposing other people; today, I’m using it to expose me.

Over the past year-and-a-half,  I have been asked a question by several people, and I have mislead each and everyone of them in my response.  (If you think you might know what this is about, please feel free to contact me privately and I’ll share with you honestly, I promise).  First of all, I am sorry for deceiving them.  I knew I had an issue and that I was not handling myself in a healthy manner, and honestly, I didn’t know how to talk about it honestly (still don’t, actually) or think that people could handle that version of me.  I am sorry for not letting them in, especially those people who’ve given me no reason to not let me in.  Sometimes, I really don’t know what people can handle so I keep the vast majority of it to myself.

It’s wrong.  You only get to see the version of me I want you to see, and that’s messed up on a whole lot of levels.  I will be seeking help for this issue this week, and intend to be more transparent and vulnerable about it in the future.  (Probably not on the blog, but with people, in real life).

I haven’t dealt with this particular issue until now, because it’s one of those things that seems not to be an issue.  In fact, the fruit of this issue has seemed to be a good thing.  Then God points out that it is in fact an issue, and that it must not continue.  Part of it not continuing is solid accountability for it.

I want to be real.  I want to let people help me.  I want to let people speak truth over my heart’s big issues.  I want to let people pray for me specifically about the things that are roadblocks in my relationships with God.  (You can keep praying for full-time employment too, haha).

I feel like I’m disappointing a lot of people in having this problem.  (I am, by virtue of having mislead people about it).  I don’t like to disappoint people, and I tend to run away and hide out when I do.   I hate disappointing you.  I hate being the one who should absolutely, positively know better, and who went ahead and lived this way anyhow.

Blah. Yeah.  This is shaping up to be such a fun week.

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