Dear People Who Keep Asking Me When My Baby Is Due,
I’m. Not. Pregnant.
And when I tell you that, the appropriate response is NOT “Are you sure?” or “Are you serious?”
Yes. I am 100% positive that I am 100% not pregnant.
I am also positive that your only response to this news should be, “I am so sorry. I am an idiot.” I might try to assure you that it’s okay, I get this all of the time; or I might just agree with you one of these days.
I feel like this is one of those things you should know better than to ask because you did it once when you were five and your mom was so embarrassed that she drilled it into your head how improper it was that you never did it again.
Look, I know I have a “glow” and my stomach is both pronounced and smooth looking. I’m beautiful and confident and that does come out in my countenance. I also wear Spanx because my stomach is always the last (and slowest) part of me that loses weight and when I’m wearing a dress I feel like it’s not very flattering to just let it all hang there.
But I’m not pregnant. And because I’m in the middle of major weight loss, I’m not offended that you think I am. I DO think it’s incredibly awkward, and I end up feeling like I’m the one who has to make it less awkward for you. How is that?!
It would help a lot if people just didn’t ask. Even if I am pregnant, is it really any of your business when I’m due? We’re not friends: I’m a customer in your line, or you’re a customer in mine, and it’s just not something we need to talk about.