Monthly Archives: June 2016

A little tough love on this Wednesday morning…

Mmkay. Two things. Kind of related.

“If I had that kind of money, I’d do ____________ with it, not what they’re doing with it.” Look. If it’s not your money, the bottom line is it’s not your business. And if you don’t have that kind of money, it’s really irrelevant what you’d do with it. You don’t have it.

“It’s not my job.” Look. If you see something that needs doing, and you’re in a position to do it, it IS your job. Always. You don’t get to pass responsibility onto someone else. Ever.

Do what YOU can with what YOU have been given, and stop looking at what everyone else is doing with what they have been given. You’re not responsible for them. You’re responsible for YOU.

Ugly cried at church yesterday.

Because sometimes I worry, without even realizing I’m doing it, just because I’m not worried in the ways I used to worry. But it’s still been here, you know? The burden of “what happens when…” and “what happens if…” I have LIVED in that tension so long, you know?

I have – for most of my life – labored to be the good girl, bowing and scraping and yielding, so I won’t be a problem, or even so much as seen as a problem. I have – for most of my life – labored to keep people from what is going on because I’ve been worried about what will happen if they know. I have – in the past few years – begun to realize that I can’t hold it all together for everyone else … It’s like a foreign object lodged in my body, and I have – in the past few years – begun to realize it has to be drawn out and dealt with.

And so, in the past year or so (since the Duggar scandal broke), I have been dreading what’s going to come out. I’ve been dreading what people (especially my family, with whom I am already on extremely shaky ground) will think when they find out what I hid and ignored. I’ve been dreading people not understanding that was all I knew to do to survive. I’ve been dreading being held more responsible for what might have happened since because of how I responded than the person actually responsible. I’ve been dreading the fallout.

But I am so tired, guys. Tired of being the good girl. Tired of bowing and scraping and yielding so I don’t cause a problem. Tired of not burdening you. Tired of pursuing and accepting things that just aren’t good enough for me. Tired of acting the things I’ve been through haven’t hurt like hell; tired of acting like dealing with it on my own hasn’t hurt like hell; tired of acting like I’m a better person than I would have been if none of it had happened. I’m tired of holding it all together, and worrying about what will happen when I stop.

I can’t anymore, you know? Can’t. The what-will-happens and what-might-happens aren’t my burdens to bear. Never have been. So I’m opening up my fists and letting go. Come what may.