Ugly cried at church yesterday.
Because sometimes I worry, without even realizing I’m doing it, just because I’m not worried in the ways I used to worry. But it’s still been here, you know? The burden of “what happens when…” and “what happens if…” I have LIVED in that tension so long, you know?
I have – for most of my life – labored to be the good girl, bowing and scraping and yielding, so I won’t be a problem, or even so much as seen as a problem. I have – for most of my… life – labored to keep people from what is going on because I’ve been worried about what will happen if they know. I have – in the past few years – begun to realize that I can’t hold it all together for everyone else … It’s like a foreign object lodged in my body, and I have – in the past few years – begun to realize it has to be drawn out and dealt with.
And so, in the past year or so (since the Duggar scandal broke), I have been dreading what’s going to come out. I’ve been dreading what people (especially my family, with whom I am already on extremely shaky ground) will think when they find out what I hid and ignored. I’ve been dreading people not understanding that was all I knew to do to survive. I’ve been dreading being held more responsible for what might have happened since because of how I responded than the person actually responsible. I’ve been dreading the fallout.
But I am so tired, guys. Tired of being the good girl. Tired of bowing and scraping and yielding so I don’t cause a problem. Tired of not burdening you. Tired of pursuing and accepting things that just aren’t good enough for me. Tired of acting the things I’ve been through haven’t hurt like hell; tired of acting like dealing with it on my own hasn’t hurt like hell; tired of acting like I’m a better person than I would have been if none of it had happened. I’m tired of holding it all together, and worrying about what will happen when I stop.
I can’t anymore, you know? Can’t. The what-will-happens and what-might-happens aren’t my burdens to bear. Never have been. So I’m opening up my fists and letting go. Come what may.