Seven years ago, I got dropped.
All I needed was some assurance – a smile, a “hey”, a hug (even though I really wasn’t a hugging person at the time) – you know? Something, anything, to let me know it wasn’t going to change things.
Instead, I got dropped.
And I’m not going to tell you I fought to stick with the people who dropped me, because I didn’t. At least, not initially. And I accept full responsibility for that.
But I still got dropped.
And in the time since, I’ve been dropped so many times I’ve lost count. Not as drastically, but dropped all the same. Shown my absolute insignificance in others’ lives time and time and time again.
And I have learned – I have learned – not to put myself in a position where I will be dropped.
I don’t need to hear how cynical that is. I know my own heart, and believe me, I already know how cynical I am. I am also intimately acquainted with the awful circumstances that made me want to be this way, that made me believe this is the better way.
I’d rather not talk to people about what’s in my heart, overburden them, and have them drop me because it’s too much. I’d rather not come to depend on people, step out of line, and have them drop me because I’m a troublemaker. I’d rather not spend time with people, and when life changes, have them drop me because I’m not a priority.
I’d rather not be dropped.
So I have – in the past seven years – developed a friendship with the One Person who will not drop me. The One Person who can hear not just what is happening, but how I feel about what is happening, and it is never too much. The One Person who can hear my doubts and my questions and my flat-out rejections, and doesn’t insist that I fall in with hard and fast lines. The One Person for Whom nothing ever changes, and to Whom I am always significant.
This past week, I have heard a number of times just how bad I am at relationships. Thing is, I wasn’t always. But I got dropped. And dropped. And dropped some more. And I got tired of being dropped, so I stopped putting myself in that position. I can honestly say, the way I’ve been living my life, I won’t get dropped.
But God has talked to me about the Redwoods. For as tall as the Redwoods are, their roots aren’t very deep. Instead, their roots are interconnected – a root network, if you will.
And I am trying to unlearn the way I relate to people, but … it’s going to take time. And if you’re ever losing patience with it, try to remember where I’m coming from.
I’ve been dropped. The only thing I have known to do is pick myself up, pull myself together, and carry on without people. Most of the time, I genuinely don’t know how anyone can help. To be honest, I’d be perfectly content hacking it out – my Heavenly Father and I – the rest of my life, but God is gently calling and helping me towards more.
I’m going to take this journey at God’s pace. He’s being gentle, I’m going to be gentle with myself. He’s not rushing me, I’m not going to rush myself. And if God can do that for me, and I can do that for myself, y’all can, too.