I’ve done it my entire life.
I go through something, I handle it on my own, I process it, and then I present it to you in a neatly- and sometimes beautifully-wrapped package. After all, that’s the part people seem to be most interested in, you know? The happy, redeemed ending. The struggle – the blood, sweat, and tears – it took to get there? Not so much. I’ve found – through having been dropped – that most people can’t handle it. And so, you get the pretty package, and I am left with all of the things it took to make it that way. And now, I am drowning under all of the things it took to make it that way.
That’s on me, I know. It’s part fear, and it’s part pride. It’s the fear of being dropped (again), and it’s the pride of wanting to be seen a certain way (or rather, not wanting to be seen as a burden).
So, this week, certainly for the first time in a long time, and maybe for the first time in my life, I let you into the middle. I let you know that even though I know all of the “right” answers and arguments, they’re not making sense to me. I let you know that because of the laundry list of things that don’t make sense to me right now, I made the unorthodox move to focus strictly on Jesus for the time being, making Him the final authority on everything, including everything in the Bible. I let you know, knowing that every Christian I know would believe I’ve crossed a line that makes me susceptible to all sorts of spiritual attack and heresy. I let you know, knowing the consequences of being dropped and labeled, and being asked to either get in line or give up something I love.
Do you understand? I let you know. And I accept the consequences of letting you know, whatever they may be.
Because, as has been wisely said by so many, God is far more interested in doing something in me than doing something through me. Who I am is a bigger deal to God than what I do.
And God is not asking me to accept everything in the Bible right now. He’s asking me to focus on Jesus. I trust God’s leading in my life, whether you do or not. I trust God to make me right, however long it takes, and I will submit to however He chooses to do it.
You are officially invited into my journey, mess and all. You can drop me, you can label me, you can argue with me … Or, you can trust God to do His thing, and you can just be in this journey with me. Your choice.
But I can’t make my journey pretty or more digestible for you anymore.