Today has been a collosally bad day.
I mean, this whole week, really.
The past three months, if I stop and think about it.
This whole year has been rough, of course, but it’s like it intensified the second I got back home.
Or maybe I just became less able to cope with it all. I don’t know.
It has just sucked. Royally.
And I just internalize, you know? I don’t have much time to process these days – and certainly no energy to get it all out. Sometimes I pray about the things that are bothering me, and sometimes I keep them to myself. Sometimes I tuck things away like I think a good girl should, and react passive aggressively instead. (SUPER healthy, I know.)
But you don’t always know it to look at me: I am having a collosally bad time right now.
What happened today was my fault. Really. Aforementioned passive aggressive behavior led someone to get royally pissed off at me and say some things I didn’t deserve.
I. Lost. It.
I didn’t even know I was capable of losing it this much, y’all. I don’t even know exactly what I said, except there was a general laying of it all out there on my part, and a hefty amount of sarcasm from this other person.
I got lots of hugs and sympathy afterwards, but I don’t feel great. (Nor do I think I should.)
All I can think is, “I don’t lose my temper like this.”
But I just did.
I did because I don’t say what’s really going on when what’s going on isn’t good. I have this compulsion to make everything graceful and nice for everyone else, when I’m still feeling the clumsiness and ugliness. I don’t know how to articulate bad things, hard things; I always feel like I have to spin it.
So I spun this thing for the past few months, and today it spiraled right out of control.
Because I wasn’t honest and direct. Because I dealt with things as I always do: passively.
I regret that. (And I regret it because it gave the judge justification for his injustice. And that’s on me.)
But. I don’t regret articulating some of my frustrations, even if this person wasn’t able to hear them, because of their own frustrations with me. I regret not doing it sooner, and I regret how I chose to articulate these things, but I’m glad I said them.
It’s a recurring theme, this lack of communication from me. You might not know it reading this blog, but I think the trouble is that I’ve been communicating from my mind, and I need to communicate from my heart.