Over the past few months, I’ve been praying over a potential relationship. It had been my heart’s desire to be in this particular relationship for some time, and I really thought this friend was “the one.” After all, he is on fire for Jesus, we have similar ministry goals, and we complement each other well. (Those are the top three things on “the list”). From the outset of this desire, there have been obstacles to this relationship, yet as I prayed, I came to view them as opportunities for God to work, to grow us if this indeed was His will for us.
Throughout this prayer process, God has had one word for me, “Wait.”
I was so afraid that if I did what God asked and waited, I would be more likely to get my hopes up and be disillusioned if the answer ended up being no. Somewhere in there, God gave me the faith to wait on Him.
Still, I’ve been feeling (and have shared) that something big is heading my way. A few weeks ago I woke up very early in the morning with the sense that I really needed to pursue a yes or no answer with God … and to be open to either alternative. So I began to pray for God to resolve the desires and feelings about this man in my heart, whether that meant fulfillment or removal. If it meant removal, I didn’t want them suppressed or rooted out. Suppression would only lead to a part of my heart blocked off that I would eventually have to go back and deal with later, and rooting these desires and feelings would leave my recently-blossoming heart barren. I guess what I really wanted was a transformation of these desires and feelings.
This past week I’ve been busy. The Enemy has been trying to distract me through attacks on my character. I’ve had to confront the lies with the truth. It’s been taxing. And several days went by when I didn’t think about this relationship at all. And when I did think about it, I felt … nothing. I thought, “Well, maybe it’s because I’ve been so busy. Maybe this doesn’t mean anything.”
But I had two really beautiful and vivid dreams and they both inspired me. I don’t usually remember my dreams, and my dreams certainly don’t inspire me. But in these two dreams I was in these gorgeous middles-of-nowhere. Wilderness places. Hiking, but mostly just talking with people on these hikes. Having good conversations, building relationships. It was so pleasant and even though there were people in these dreams I didn’t even know, and groups of people I do know who never mix, it all made sense.
I finished reading Hosea a week ago, and since then I’ve been in Exodus. In Hosea, God refers to wooing His people to wilderness places so they will seek Him and love Him. In Exodus, God brings His people to a wilderness and leads them there. Through all of this, God has been speaking to me about two things: He wants my love and He wants me to take care of His people. After the dreams, I would say God wants my love and He wants me to take care of His people in the wilderness places. To cultivate and restore life and health in barren places. It is my calling to walk with people through times of difficulty, particularly young people from broken and poverty-stricken homes. I will walk with people through these times, I will bear their burdens before my Heavenly Father.
As I relaxed Sunday morning during church and quieted my heart to hear what God was saying about this relationship, I heard Him say, “I want something different for you.”
The miracle is, I don’t feel resentful about it. It makes complete sense.
The thing is, however much we love Christ and want to honor Him, however similar we are, however many obstacles we could have overcome with God’s help, God has given this man and I different desires, different visions. Without ever intending to, we would have held each other back. That’s not to say we wouldn’t or couldn’t have had a good life.
But I don’t just want a good life.
I want a great life. I want to be most passionate about God, to hold nothing back from Him, to have nowhere I am unwilling to go and nothing I am unwilling to do for Him. I want a husband who I can inspire to passion about God, to hold nothing back from Him, to have nowhere and nothing he is unwilling to do for Him. And I want a husband who will not only be living these things for himself, but who will rise to the challenge of calling these things out in me. And I want to call these things forth in him.
Again I am reminded, it’s not about my future husband, whoever and wherever he may be, though I certainly lift him up in prayer day by day. It’s about the ultimate relationship: the one I share with my Creator, my Redeemer, my Source. I love Him more than anything on this earth. Spending time with Him is what I crave throughout my day. That’s not to say there aren’t bumps in the road on my end, but my relationship with Him has overall changed for the better.
And I am so excited to see what He does next!
For now, though, I’m just going to relax and listen to some uplifting music.